Shoulda-coulda-woulda? Naaaaaaaah.

That describes my day to a T. In honor of the fact that I can’t tag my mother in a post on Facebook, I will dedicate this update to her, as she was instrumental in helping me survive it.

I didn’t have a good start to my day. I ended up putting Biggest back to bed, he woke up at 6, and didn’t have a nap yesterday, so I thought he should be able to sleep a bit more. I should have just left him to play, and given him an early nap instead. I feel a bit terrible because this week has been rough without the coffee. I didn’t realize it, but I really do need that cup in the morning. It’s the first thing I’m working on, as I really don’t like relying on something to help with my start, and I think that it’s more the “me” moment I get with a cup, than what’s actually in the cup.

Normally I could recover from that, send Biggest for a nap, and carry on. But there’s a hitch. I finally got the money I needed for the fall (for the boys), it’s the only money I’ve got outside of formula money until next semester, so I planned a shopping trip today. Biggest seemed excited, so I assumed all would be fine, and he would probably sleep in the buggy. **note to self** Biggest no longer naps on walks. I did manage, much to my excitement, to get the big stroller, both kids, and gear down the stairs all by myself. Fast forward to Stuff Mart 2. I need to point out that I have been stressed to the nines about this shopping trip (not to my conscious mind unfortunately) because I managed to subconsciously convince myself that if I spent anything that I didn’t entirely need, I would be making the biggest error of my life. Ridiculous I know, but we are all aware that I’m terrible with worrying. So, after sitting with my cart in Stuff Mart 2 trying not to cry, and humming and hawwing about whether I needed the $4.99 toy for Littlest or the $7.99 toy for Littlest, my mother made the astute observation that I was being ridiculous, and I should just put it in the cart. I did. A few more of those moments, and I was doing better. I ended up finding some really sweet deals (that ended on Thursday), and I did manage to get a name brand potty stool for 10 bucks because the sign was wrong (savings of $16? check!). I should have just gone home at this point. (I also found 4 pairs of $20 baby jeans for 99 cents each, I saved 76 dollars!)

We instead walked a bit farther. I think I lost my sane self when my child (whilst waiting for Grammy) asked me “Grammy soon?” 48 times. I managed to work it out, and hold it together (or so I thought) until the end of the next store. By the time we were done (despite finding a solution for putting Biggest’s stuff away without his dresser. We had to leave it behind when we moved because it was way too long for his room.), I had 2 tired cranky babies, and I was hungry to the point of feeling sick. Also, with how many bags I had managed to fit in the buggy, there was absolutely no room for what we found there. I will have to go back another day (hence why I shoulda just gone home.) And still, we carried on. Mainly because the bus stop was right across from the original Stuff Mart, and we had to wait for 45 minutes before the next one came. I did get some clothes for Littlest on clearance at least.

I was sincerely hoping this would be a funny laugh-it-off kind of post. But it’s not. I feel really badly for not listening to my gut, and my kids. It’s not a stellar moment in Mommy history. If I could do today again, I would have gotten up with Biggest right away. I would have gone home after Stuff Mart 2, and I would have probably rescheduled the whole shopping trip in the first place. BUT. I never used to be a shoulda-coulda-woulda kind of girl. When I got out of high school, and made some risky decisions, I chose to do so with the idea that I was not going to regret my choices. It feels so much more dangerous to live with that philosophy when there’s little lives at stake.

Then again, if I’m going with the previous way of thinking, Mommyhood is about making mistakes and using them to teach myself and my kids. It’s also about not taking yourself too seriously, and learning new things, and surrendering to the fact that you will have to plan for no plan to go exactly as planned again (c’mon, what mother hasn’t raced up the stairs saying “Crap crap crap, how could I forget [insert treasured possession of the moment here] on the chair? It’s only the thing he’s been talking about all morning and I was the one who suggested he take it. Crap crap crap.)

So on that note, now that you’ve read all the ridiculously serious insecurities of one 24-year-old mother with 2 small children… (and the most patient loving Grammy in the world) I only (famous last word) have this to say. Biggest will be cranky tomorrow, but he’s still living, breathing, and none the worse for wear. He even got a magna-doodle out of the deal! Littlest had no idea what was going on and mostly cooed at the florescent lights and sale signs. I got sore feet, and probably stressed a year off my life. And we caught the next bus with 3 minutes to spare. I also got chocolate and rum in the end, and that, my friends, seems like a rag-tag-darn-crazy-day to me.


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