1) Your youngest child wakes up three times in the middle of the night.
2) Your oldest wakes your youngest up when he gets up at 6:08am.
3) There will never be enough coffee for today.
4) You take a shower and decide for the first time in longer-than-you’d-like-to-admit that you’re going to pay attention to the winter coat adhering itself to your legs. Then, part way through the first leg, your almost-broken-for-2-years-but-never-got-past-almost razor decides it’s going to break just that much further, preventing you from finishing any more than half a leg.
5) During the same shower, you also decide to use your son’s bath boat to rinse your razor, and discover you’re out of shampoo, and realize that thanks to only half a leg being shorn, you now feel like one of those all black stallions with one white sock.
6) Later on, you discover your lactose intolerance has come back in full swing AFTER you’ve already inhaled a full bowl of yogurt.
7) You discovered this because your stomach contorted into something resembling an early contraction from a past pregnancy.
8) While dealing with said contortion, your oldest child decides he needs the bathroom the same time as you, and decides this is the ultimate time to have a conversation about poop. The conversation ends with an excited exclamation in full operatic volume that he “found poop! He found Mommy’s poop!”
9) After he’s done, he can’t close the door all the way, and decides that it’s a good time to play peekaboo, and ask about 85 times whether you’re done yet. He also nods seriously when you finally ask for some privacy, wanders off, and comes back in about 2 seconds asking whether you’re done yet. Right as your stomach lights on fire. Again.
10) After finishing in the bathroom, you wash your hands, and in turning the tap off, you smack the flexible faucet extender still full of water, and that water soaks half of your shirt.
11) You realize, after doing all of the above, that your stomach contorted right before you started washing the bottles, you now feel like curling up into a ball instead of washing bottles, and the youngest is requiring a bottle right… NOW.
12) Not only does he need a bottle, your oldest also needs lunch and a nap, and right now, all you want to do is have a nap yourself.
13) In the middle of the bottle, you realize that you’re not done in the bathroom, and have to put the screaming child down to make a run for it. Only to find out in the bathroom that really, it was a false alarm.
14) Slightly relieved, you return to find your youngest is currently filling his diaper. And from the wafting, it’s not going to be pretty.
15) While changing said diaper, you argue with your oldest child about the fact that putting books away on the bookshelf does not mean put them in the bumbo. During this, you are trying to keep the youngest child from successfully reaching the garbage bag full of diapers.
16) There will never be enough coffee for today.
17) After you have a 2 hour nap, you realize how much housework is left
18) Once you’ve scrambled like crazy to get the rest of it done (to no avail), you realize dinner should be ready in 20 minutes, you just got the kitchen clean, and you haven’t even put the pasta water on yet. You also have no interest in dirtying your kitchen.
19) You realize, once you’ve stopped, that you still haven’t washed the bottles.
20) You also realize that you still need to feed the youngest. You do, but by the time you’re done, you are both covered in cereal and you’re pretty sure he didn’t eat enough to sleep all night. You then hand him over to Daddy for a bottle.
21) You then whip up dinner at a crazy pace, and congratulate yourself on timing it so it all came out together. While it is cooking, you do more housework.
22) While the table is being set, you put the youngest to bed, hoping that a new bedtime will set up his nighttime schedule a bit better.
23) Once he’s in bed, you congratulate yourself again for surviving through dinner intact.
24) You then realize the biggest hurdle is yet to come: bedtime for the oldest.
25) You also realize that you STILL haven’t washed the bottles, and now the sink is full of supper dishes.
26) And somehow, maybe in recognition of what an AWESOME day this was… the oldest child cleans up his toys as asked, cooperates during his bath and toothbrushing, and goes to bed with nary a fuss.
27) There was nowhere near enough coffee for this day, especially since now that you have the time to enjoy it, it’s too close to bedtime. So you’ll settle for Jasmine Green Tea instead.