It occurred to me today just how opposite some of the things I say are in conjunction to what I think. For instance, what goes on in your mind after repeating yourself for the umpteenth time, only to have it ignored once again. Or directing a child to wash their hands again, only to be met with outright defiance. Or how much you’d really like to laugh when something terrible happens, and must maintain a straight face so as not to ruin your “displeasure”. Take the examples below.
Say: What are you doing??
Think: OMG that’s hilarious. How did you even get that there? If it weren’t so dangerous, that’d almost be impressive!
Say: Stop that right now!
Think: You honestly thought you could get away with that? The look on your face is priceless! Oh please, don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Look away. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.
Say: That better not be what I think it is.
Think: It totally is. There’s nothing else it could be. How did he even get to it?
Say: Thank you for playing so nicely with your brother.
Think: Where IS your brother?
Say: Yay! You pooped! Good job!
Think: I’m so not interested in wiping your butt again.
Say: Wash your hands.
Think: It’s not as dreadful as you make it out to be, don’t you dare think you can get away with telling me no, and I even got you the nice soap. As in, I might like it even more than you’re supposed to. It even smells like watermelon!
Say: Eat nicely, please.
Think: If you crammed any more of that sandwich into your mouth, it would be coming out your nose. And why on earth do you find it enjoyable to eat it upside down? Must not laugh. He looks like a hamster.
Say: You need to go play now.
Think: Please stop leaning on me. If you lean any more, Mommy might go more crazy than she already is.
Say: Inside voice, please!
Think: The neighbours on the opposite end of this complex could have heard you, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard a soprano go that high. Can I blame not hearing your next “Mommy” tirade on it? Because the decibel level was off the charts.
Say: Out of the kitchen!
Think: Dancing around the kitchen in your underwear, possibly stomping, and running back and forth in an attempt to tickle me while I have a hot pan in my hand isn’t going to end well.
Say: Mommy is having her coffee.
Think: Please leave me alone, I want the caffeine to be in my veins while it’s still hot.
Say: Do NOT throw! How many times have I told you not to throw?
Think: I’ve lost count.
Say: You need to try again.
Think: Trying once, casting your sock off as though it’s offended your very being, and throwing a tantrum afterwards does not count as an attempt! Neither does kicking your legs… and hitting yourself isn’t gonna do anything either. Really.
Say: I’m done answering questions.
Think: I’m not explaining ______ again. I’ve already explained it a million times, and since the only response I’m getting is ________, I’m on strike.
Say: Are you ok?
Think: That’s what you get for not listening. If you’d listened when I told you not to do __________, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Say: You need to be more careful with your toys.
Think: I’ve already fixed it 5 times today, I am not fixing it again. In fact, I’m pretty sure that you’re breaking it just so that I will fix it.
Say: It’s time to clean up.
Think: Don’t even think about throwing a tantrum. It’s not “gone”. It’ll be here tomorrow. Like every day for the last 8 months you’ve had that toy. Just put it away already! I’m not telling you where it goes. You know where it goes, and despite what you think, I am well aware of it being a stall tactic. Who do you think invented stalling at bedtime anyway?
Say: It’s time to brush your teeth.
Think: Don’t stick your tongue out. Open your mouth. You know how to do the “EEEEEE” sound. Closing your mouth and biting it so I can’t move it is NOT in your best interest.
Think: Where’s the wine? No wine? Fine, where’s the tea? And chocolate. I need chocolate.
At least, that’s how it goes in my head. What about yours?