Sock Critters Are Eating Me Alive

Well, here I sit. Procrastinating. Actually, more like shaking in my boots. I just looked at the instructions for sock critters. It’s slightly terrifying. They’ll be adorable when they’re done, and I’m certain that I’ll start them as soon as I’m done with typing this update, but for now, I feel kind of like I’m walking into the mist from that horror movie done in a grocery store. You know, the one where the mist eats you alive if you make it through the doors? Come to think of it, I think the mist might have had tentacles too. My memory of it’s kind of (heh) foggy. Oh well, that’s ok, I’ll finish writing, peek into the bag, check for tentacles and teeth, and whip those socks into shape.

It’s not really the socks that are scary, to be honest. It’s the book. I read it, and it’s got things like “ladder stitch” and “safety eyes” and “right side up” and “sculpt eye sockets” in it. I think I can manage the right side up, and after reading the ladder stitch tutorial more times than I care to admit, it seems simple enough. But “sculpt eye sockets”? How on earth does that happen? Even more pressing, how do you do that with sock? I didn’t sign on for sculpting. I thought it’d be a neat idea to whip a couple of hubby’s old socks into a couple of critters. Stitch the end closed, draw on a couple of eyeballs, add a couple of crappy legs… Voila! An “alligator”. (“Mommy, why does it look funny? Well ______, all sock critters look funny. It’s supposed to be like that! Isn’t it cool?”) But no… I saw the picture of it, I said to myself “how hard can it be?”, and didn’t read the instructions. And now it taunts me. Waiting for me to open the bag, pull out the socks, and turn it into something that actually looks like an alligator. Did I mention the dinosaur pattern needs a third sock for it’s “scales”? It might end up being one of those spineless dinosaurs. You know, the ones on the very bottom of the food chain? I’ll have to add the spines when Littlest gets smart and starts asking why it looks suspiciously like the easily eaten ones. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a dinosaur that’s the main course.

And once I’m done the sock critters, (hopefully before they digest me whole), I then get the pleasure of channeling my inner artist to create illustrations for the book that’s supposed to go with them. Ever seen a picture of a stick-figure alligator? You’re about to! That’s probably not actually the case. Woe to me, but I am a perfectionist, so I will probably make a mountain of paper beside me as I attempt to create a decent lookalike, all the while wishing my sister was here to be shoved into the adoring aunt’s contribution blackmail scheme. (You don’t really want them to grow up with stick figures do you? Not when you could draw one so much better! Besides, it may get passed on to your kids, and you don’t want it looking like that, do you?) Actually, it would probably be closer to intense bribery. (Please, please, please? I’ll buy you a Starbucks. Grande even! NO wait, a Venti, with three extra shots. And flavour! And extra whipped cream. Two of them!) However, in reality… it’ll be my own drawings. In whatever form they come in. Maybe the stick figures will at least end up with tummies. That might happen. I could go with that.

Dear Lord, help!

If they actually get made, I’ll post a picture as proof. Maybe it won’t be quite so bad as my terrified, jiggling, wiggling, shaking little brain is imagining it. (Oops, I may have just heard a growl from the bag with the stuffing in it…)

The Handler.


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