Dear Biggest.

It is time for a reset. I’m sorry, it’s probably not going to be funny, so if you need a laugh, I suggest you check out Β  She’s hilarious, full of stories, and, considering she’s got a 4-year-old and 1-year-old, they’re all spectacular.

Dear Biggest.

It’s been an awful week. We’ve yelled at each other, screamed at each other, and I’ve tried everything I can think of to get you to do as you’re told. I’ve lectured you about respect. I’ve punished you for being rude, for being mean, for hitting, for kicking, for destroying our favorite book to read together, and for snapping and yelling at me. I feel though, that some of it may have been undeserved. If I think back, I’ve also been rude to you, yelled and snapped at you, and while I may not have hit or kicked you, or destroyed our favorite book, I haven’t been a very good example.

At some point, although you may not have seen it because you were napping, I got upset. I cried. I made that terrible screwy-crying face that means it’s not just a single delicate tear, it was the snotty, wet-faced, need a kleenex type of cry. I feel really bad for you, sometimes, having me as a mother. I know you don’t know any other mothers, so I’ll let myself off the hook a bit, but it’s difficult. I’m watching your little brother grow up with me around, and I think back to the two years that I slept and tried to work, and I regret it. I’ve told myself that I won’t regret stuff, I’ll just learn from my mistakes, but since this is about you and me, I can’t get around it. I went back to work too early if you ask me, and I should have stayed and let you have a Mommy instead. But I didn’t. And my illness really kicked in and made it that much worse, because when I took a different job that let me be home for your day, I slept through it instead. I know there’s nothing I can do about it, but it still makes me sad sometimes.

That brings me to this week. I regret this week too. Watching you struggle so much when I praise you for something hurts. It makes me question what I’m doing, because if you struggle so much with a compliment, that means that I don’t say a lot of nice things to you. I lectured you about respect yesterday, but really, despite what I said, I think that I have to earn your respect as much as you have to earn mine. I also think that all of my efforts to get you to behave have been backwards. If you’re acting out to try and get my attention, removing my attention is only going to make it worse, because you’re going to get desperate, and honestly, though I don’t want to admit it, I think you’re already desperate.

So. I’m sorry, sweetie bean.

This next week, we’re going to ignore the rules. You can just have a Mommy. We’re going to cuddle, and play games, and you can be with me to your heart’s content. Bedtime is still 7 though. I’ll reintroduce some of our rules once you are better acquainted with the fact that I’m actually here. You’re going to be three in a week and a half, and I can’t go back and change what’s gone on, but we do have a long future ahead together, and I’m doing my best to make it a happy one.

I love you very much, more than words can say. You have the makings of a very fine little guy.



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