I have come to a realization. It’s truly astonishing, and it seems to me that I should share, just in case no one else was aware. Ready?
Once you have children, your life (get this!) will never (I repeat, never!) be the same again.
I know, you’re shocked. I was too. I am going to blame it entirely on small children for not discovering it sooner. Hmm… That sounds ridiculous. Ok, fine. I’ll throw it out there. I, The Handler, thought once my children stopped feeding every 2 hours at night, that I would get a certain measure of peace back.
I am aware that the aforementioned thought is entirely hilarious and completely unreasonable. On second thought, double the hilarity, since I have two boys. I probably could have gained a little bit based on tea parties and dolls, but cars, trucks, and sword fights just don’t count for anything quiet. Once you’ve stopped laughing at my insanity, I have compiled a list of all the things that I am no longer assuming possible.
1. Given the opportunity for a nap, I will actually get some sleep. (Reality: The instant someone cries, I will wake up.)
2. Given the opportunity to be lazy and sleep in, I will wake up happily after 10. (Reality: I wake up at 7:30, at the latest.)
3. Having a conversation on the phone that will be uninterrupted. (Reality: HAHAHAHAHA! Murphy’s law dictates that someone will start screaming the second I say hello.)
4. Some measure of quiet will be achieved when the kids are playing by themselves. (Reality: I give it 5 minutes before some loud game get started, or someone gets a toy stolen and starts wailing. If neither of those happen, someone will need a butt wiped, or a drink.)
5. If I tell anyone anything, they’ll actually remember it. (Reality: Despite my assuming that logic will be accepted, my children are still going to tempt fate, whether it’s that I simply can’t possibly make a shower cold, or that somehow chocolate chip cookies will suffice for lunch.)
6. I will stop having to tell them silly things like pick up your socks or chew with your mouth closed. (Reality: Simply put, I should just forget about it and move on.)
7. I will enjoy a date night without worrying about the kids. (Reality: Every 10 minutes I will snap out of whatever movie is playing to wonder if Grammy remembered Littlest’s milk or whether Biggest is going to cry because I’m not there to say his night time prayers.)
8. Privacy will be possible. (Reality: I’ve already gotten walked in on, and it will happen again. Even if I lock the door, small fingers and or small voices will penetrate anyway.)
9. Boys will love baths. (Reality: I am not sure I’m ever going to have to stop insisting that after 3 days, they are definitely dirty.)
10. I will want off the ride. (Reality: Even with all the ups, downs, and “Oh what have I gotten myself into”‘s, I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
And with that, I’m hearing giraffe noises, and my coffee cup is almost empty. That in itself is a tragedy.