Kidnado Alert!


Yes! An update! I actually found a moment for typing!

 

Let’s all temporarily pause, and clap excitedly like Littlest has started doing.

 

Ok. Now. About this kidnado. It would seem that my Biggest has been absconded with and this “kidnado” thing is his replacement. I always thought that, in Love You Forever (by Robert Munsch), the picture with the little one flushing the watch was exaggerated. I was wrong. In the last 7 days, no less (and probably a lot more) than the following happened.

 

– While napping at Grammy’s, Biggest managed to find my parents very expensive, brand new bottle of massage oil. Being the devoted wife she is, my mother has looked high and low for a good oil for my dad’s bad back, in an effort to help massage the kinks that inevitably happen when you’re lifting 20lb bolts underground. (My dad’s a heavy duty mechanic.) Unfortunately, the carefully selected bottle is incredibly expensive, and difficult to get a hold of. My darling child figured that since he didn’t want to go for a nap, he would instead fill Pappy’s water glass with the entirety of said bottle. Oh, after testing some of it on their dresser. I’m extremely thankful that it didn’t get all over my mother’s duvet, because I think I may have turned several shades of OMG-purple, and that wouldn’t have been very good. Did I mention that in their concern, my parents phoned at midnight to make sure that Biggest hadn’t swallowed any? And that he’d been clever enough to close the lid and put it back where he found it, and the only reason they noticed was because my dad was setting his alarm for work and realized that something had happened to the clocks? Yep, that’s right, in between the oil dumping (dumpings?), Biggest pushed enough buttons on both the clocks to confuse my parents for over 10 minutes, during which they attempted to figure out how to get the clock back to the right time. That was an unfortunate conversation, as it took me longer than I care to admit to figure out what exactly they were talking about.

 

In the same vein, the very next morning Biggest went and found the Tums bottle, which also led to quite the panic, until we realized that he hadn’t eaten any. How he got a hold of it and how he got the entire lid off, I will never know. This, of course, prompted the entire bathroom to be sterilized and rearranged, meaning that everything that may even slightly contain anything resembling a hazardous material went into the locked part of our bathroom cupboards, and the innocuous things like band-aids and bath toys went into the unlocked part with the cupboard closed so anyone can hear if he’s getting busy in there. Please note that A) my apartment is old, so the cupboards are sticky and don’t slide very well, and B) they are the type that slide sideways, not the type that swings open. It thankfully worked though, because my sister heard him trying to yank the unlocked side open this morning, and went to see what was up, startling him so bad that he let out the loudest blood curdling scream I’ve heard yet, and pulled the entire door down on himself. I guess in his fright (because he got caught, I’m sure), he managed to pull it out of the tracks. I doubt he’ll do that again, despite being unharmed.

 

Other similar events include dumping out over half of a brand new bag of loose tea, drawing all over my freshly washed and drying towels with bright orange chalk, and getting out of bed/playing after lights out so many times that my sister and I tin-foiled the windows so it would be dark enough for him and Littlest to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

 

*blink*

 

That can’t be my little boy, can it?

 

Oh well, this too shall pass. And once it passes I will look back and think that in comparison to what else goes on, it really wasn’t that bad. Mainly because I’m pretty sure the next phase is “Why?” “But why?” “But why?” “But why?”, to which I will respond (much to my dismay)….

 

“BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

Cheers,

The Handler.

 

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