Alphabet Soup with Littlest.

First, I’d like to tell you that today’s edition of The Gnomes will have the entire alphabet in it, and the subject is… back to the beginning.

Littlest gets his Ankles in an Argument. You know… his Britches in a Bundle? Cars in a Crunch? Diaper in a Doodle? All the time. Over everything. And I finally realized why his Elbows are forever in an Exigency. I skipped a lesson or two. Take, for example, our morning walk to daycare. Biggest had to earn his right to walk without holding onto my hand. There are rules to follow.

1. Stay in sight.

2. Stay in earshot.

3. Listen for instructions.

4. Hold hands for crossings and hang on until we’re all the way across.

5. Stop at driveways til Mom gives the OK.

6. If any of the above are not adhered to, the privilege shall be immediately revoked until further notice.

He’s an excellent walker. He doesn’t want to get squished (ask him, he’ll tell you, “Mom, I don’t wanna get squished, we have to watch for cars!”), and he hates going my precise speed, so logically, he follows the rules.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Littlest. Littlest wants to be like his big brother. And if Littlest doesn’t get to be like his big brother, he gets his Fastenings in a Funk.

This is how the rules go with him.

1. It’s a game to stop behind me so I can’t see him. If I don’t let him do that, he gets his Gears in a Garble. Heaven forbid that he gets in trouble for having his Happenings in a Hitch, because then you’ll have to add getting his Ideas in an Impasse to the deal.

2. I’m pretty sure he’s got a strong sense of selective hearing, because his Jeans get in a Joint as soon as I suggest he follows instructions. Never mind the whole staying in earshot thing, he has to listen next to me first. And if he gets in trouble for not following instructions, and I take action, his Knickers are instantly in a Knot.

3. See above.

4. Hold means drop 2 seconds in. And as soon as I grab his hand again, his Legs get in a Lump. That reads “limp as a rag doll”, in case you weren’t sure. Upon being snatched up to safety, any further action against his will puts his Miniature Manself in a Mixup, and nothing will fix it until he’s good and ready. There’s absolutely no cure for getting his Nappy in a Nugget other than time.

5. We don’t even get this far, due to the previous 4 rules being constantly broken.

6. Any privileges are revoked. Period. It’s more of a matter of how do I haul this child, with his self-expressed Omnipotency in an unexpected Ogee, to daycare without getting killed or injured, and without making his Highness’s Pockets into a Parabola (making my task impossible.).

Really, today, I started back at the beginning. I made it past, with great restraint mind you, when Littlest’s Queue ended in a Quandary (“Mommy’s got me and squirming isn’t making my agenda go any faster…”), when his Reasons became stuck in a Rift (“Can’t remember why squirming was so important…”), and when his Suit was in a Spot (“Yikes, this snowsuit seems to be an easy target for the Mother…”).

And… while his Toes were in a Tangle on the way there, he quickly realized that getting his Underthings in an Upset, or maybe getting his Vest in a Vinculum, or even getting his Whistle in a Wad, just wasn’t worth getting Mommy’s X in an X (If you know what I mean.) After all, if Mommy’s Yogurt is in a Yap, your Zipper might just end up in a Zigzag. And that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

The Handler.

PS: You have no idea how far I had to go to track down all those Synonyms. Seriously.


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