Mother’s Bathing Memoirs (After Two Kids)

You know, it’s fascinating to think of some of the differences that occur between “Before Kids” and “After Kids”. My most recent experience with this phenomenon happened while bathing. Intrigued?

Before Children:

I took plenty of baths before children. Even while I was pregnant, I still took every possible opportunity to soak in scented bubbles with the lights off and candles on every perfectly pristine surface available. Most of my bubbles came in adult, spa-reminiscent scents like Jasmine with Patchouli or Lavender and Vanilla. I would lay there armed with a book, some water, and stay until the water got cold.

After Children:

I still take plenty of baths after children, but they look a little different. Most of them last less than 30 minutes for a variety of reasons.

1. I snuck away while Hubby was making dinner and it’s now ready.

2. There is incessant knocking on the door and serenity is left to the recesses of my mind.

3. I feel physically itchy if I’ve sat still more than 30 minutes. (Something to do with the constant motion of having two small children running around… it feels weird breaking away from status quo.)

4. Somehow the door has been opened (the whole one-bathroom-apartment) thing, and there are now two big pairs of eyes peeking around the shower curtain. Awkward does not describe it.

Oftentimes my bubble bath smells of Tangerine, Apple Banana or Arbonne’s Baby Wash, whichever’s the closest to the faucet. Sometimes I don’t get to the bubbles, and I’ll just use the Essential oil blend we got from the local health store for the kids’ cold. It’s a scent, right? Side Note: Eucalyptus, Tea Tree and Peppermint doesn’t smell that bad, but if you ever use it in a bath, wait until the bathtub is full… Take it from experience that if you hop in the tub before it’s full and that gets stuck to your butt, your ass will be freezing for a minimum of three hours after you get out.

Candles are completely out, unless it’s after the children are well and truly asleep (including water and pee requests…) and usually by that time, I am curled up in some state of semi-unconsciousness and shouldn’t be alone in a bathtub anyway, never mind with several lit flames nearby. Besides, on the off chance that I’m not..

1. Passed out.

2. Impaired due to exhaustion.

3. Putting children back to bed..

I will most definitely be surrounded by the impossibly large laundry pile (despite my husband doing two loads of laundry every second day), the dust bunnies I keep meaning to sweep, and all the bath toys two children acquire. Not to mention the potty and potty seat. Really there’s just no room for candles anyway.

I have to say though, I was unprepared for the bath I had last week. I was in the tub with the Essential Oil blend, just before dinner, surrounded by all of the aforementioned bath toys and stuff… and Littlest walked in. I’m not too troubled by him being in the bathroom, he likes playing with the shower curtain and has yet to show the time-to-stop-showering-together interest in my lack of man parts. The next thing I knew, Biggest was next to J, I was covering up as much as I could, and there were six bath squirties, an enormous boat, and the bathtime fishing rod floating next to me. Despite my surprise, I was as decent as one could be in a bath, so they stayed. They were having a lot of fun watering my feet, what can I say? For a moment, I pretended that they were my minions, specifically there to keep my toes toasty. At one point they thought watering my head was a good idea, therefore I was also well rinsed, albeit a bit soggier than I prefer. They haven’t gotten the concept that Mommy needs privacy to dry off yet, so it was a challenge getting myself extricated from what turned out to be every last bath toy we own. My husband intervened and closed the door so I could escape.

Despite the extremely odd nature of that particular bath, I can say happily that it was my first bath in the history of my motherhood that got cold without a book.

The Handler.

eep up. Really, there’s no surface for candles to be on anyway.ill take


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