Random Hijinx From The Land Of The Gnomes, Episode 1.


It has been another insignificantly busy week, and sadly, there isn’t anything distinctive to relate. So, without further ado, I am pleased to announce the first episode in what is sure to be a series of random hijinx in the land of the gnomes.

Jink #1: I started a new training program and while I am, without doubt, seeing an increase in my speed, the treadmill is kicking my proverbial caboose. We’re talking gasping, wheezing, slung-over-the-front kind of kicking. Not the lady-like glow that all the cool gym people have (with their designer gear and fancy-pants I-Pods, to say nothing of their effortless yoga poses), but full on sweat-pouring-down-my-face and non-hip-chugging of the water bottle that has suddenly become my only hope at continued life here on planet Earth. Please see provided diagram.

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Jink #2: My Biggest child has been mildly afraid of slides for quite some time, and he finally got over his fear to go down the big twisty tube slide. Way to go Biggest! Unfortunately for me, I caught his noggin with my nose. I am obscenely glad that inner monologues are not accessible by small children because the immediate response to being hit, with all the force of a big twistie slide plus the mass of a small human being’s well-padded skull, would have made a pirate blush.

Jink #3: The night before the Slide Incident, I dropped a full bottle of air freshener (that we never use) on my big toenail. Not the full foot, not even the full toe, just the tip of my toenail. And that, people, was not even distant cousins twice removed with an inner monologue. Thankfully the kids were asleep. I’m hoping I don’t lose my toenail. My biggest fear, right there. Losing a toenail. Moving on.

Jink #4: Biggest and Littlest will never look at a piece of paper the same way again, for I have taught them Mastery of the Paper Airplane. I didn’t plan on the added benefit of being the easiest-amusement-with-the-least-parent-movement-ever, but it’s a nice perk. I still wouldn’t plan on trying to watch a show or read a book though, because kids are surprisingly quick at retrieving said planes, and if you delay a return flight, your engineering team will have to figure out how to make a crumpled, waved-in-face wreck fly again. It is an incredibly taxing piece of brain work, if you were wondering. (Not that such a scenario would ever happen to me. Ever.)

Well, this concludes the first edition of Random Hijinx. Tune in next time!

The Handler.

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