Oh, Halloween.

I have an admission to make. I cannot stand Halloween. Every year I procrastinate, trying to decide what to do, how much to do, what costume to wear… And on October 30th, I throw some crap together because I’ve run out of time. Even better, now Biggest and Littlest are old enough to do something on Halloween, which makes my crap throwing more frantic than it used to be. And, just when you think it couldn’t be worse, it gets worse! Between Pinterest and all the “Top 30 Greatest Family Costume Ever” posts circulating on Facebook, the costume standard now requires at least 360 days of planning (I think you’re allowed to take Christmas off)! Tell me, how are you supposed to compete with Lego Family?

Last year, while we did actually get trick-or-treating, the grandest costumes I could come up with were Puddle Jumper (who can leap big puddles in a couple of bounds, and bears a significant resemblance to a child in a Muddy Buddy), and Invisiboy (who you can’t see because he’s wearing his camo snow suit.). I know, utterly brilliant right?

Anyway, I have snapped out of my procrastination stupor an entire week and a half early, and now I’m stumped. I hate buying costumes. I am not capable of making costumes.

Wait… I take that back. Give me a cardboard box and some paints, and I am a whiz. It comes from stealing cereal boxes and my mother’s masking tape when I was younger. My sister and I made some pretty crazy stuff with cardboard. But, if I want it to look better than just a box, I’d better start before October 30th. Otherwise it’s going to end up with Biggest and Littlest being cleverly disguised as shipping containers.

And if we do actually get the costumes sorted out, then there’s the problem of the candy. More specifically, how to keep myself out of their candy. Also, the amount of candy they get is outrageous. A four-year-old doesn’t need 50 snack size Kit-Kats. And my two-year-old doesn’t need 20 packages of Gobstoppers. Let’s face it, he’s still getting his molars in. So, to address this unfortunate imbalance of sugar in proportion to body mass, I have decided that this year, should my shipping containers actually get out the door, I’m going to take a cut. After all, costume designers do have a fee, putting a box on a small child is quite a big deal. And so do assistants, carrying one’s own candy isn’t heard of these days. And taxi drivers, since young children walking long distances is relatively impossible. And chaperon services, since young children walking alone is frowned upon. That’s gonna be a pretty big bill. I am willing to work out an arrangement though, since I doubt they can afford my services monetarily. Heck, I’m certain that I couldn’t afford my services. Thankfully I have a sweet tooth, so it’ll be easy to bargain with me. I’ll even cut my prices.

Since I happen to have stopped procrastinating so early this year, I have even thought up a back up plan, in case trick-or-treating doesn’t happen. We simply wait until November 1 and buy all the half-price candy.

I know. I’m a genius. You don’t have to say it.


The Handler


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