Just when things are going on all normal-like, something has to happen. It’s inevitable. In this case, this time of year, that happening would have to be three weeks of Almost-Sick-Itis. Almost-Sick-Itis is something that resembles a flu or cold, but never actually morphs into anything other than extreme annoyance. So. Below you’ll find 9 symptoms horribly associated with this ridiculous illness.
#1. The Whining.
Oh The Whining. Not sick enough to sleep all day, but not well enough to do anything other than complain about breakfast choices. Or the fact that the red car is your favorite and nothing else will do. Or the lack of 8 blankets. Or the water bottle that is only half full instead of all the way full. The list is really endless, and this is probably the biggest symptom of them all.
#2. The Snot.
Sorry folks. Everyone’s been there. As much as I hate referring to it as The Snot, it’s true. Sick children, especially Almost-Sick-Itis infected children, have an unfortunate abundance of this particular symptom. The only thing worse is being affected with The Whining AND The Snot, because then they whine about the snot.
#3. The Kleenex Problem.
The Kleenex Problem is frustrating and not really a symptom so much as an undercurrent that makes #1 and #2 just that much more awful. Trying to remind two small children with The Snot to blow instead of wipe is difficult enough. But trying to convince the same children to use the same Kleenex for more than one wipe is worse, especially since that makes a reverberating loop back to The Whining.
#4. The Worrying.
If you can hear yourself think in amongst the previous 3 problems, you’ll find your own self afflicted with The Worrying. This can apply to anything, really. It could be about who is going to watch said munchkins while you go to work. Or perhaps The Worrying could present itself as self-doubt, since you clearly could not manage to take an accurate temperature after the third time. It could even be concern for how much elderberry you gave them and when they had it last, and will it be enough, or maybe too much and is there such a thing, and please oh please let it work in time for our play date because if I don’t see an normal person who can actually use a Kleenex properly the world might explode, especially if the…
Oops. There went Mommy.
#5. The Recurrence.
Should you make it through the worst of it, the threat temporarily ends, just enough for you to sag against the door with your AntiBac spray and feel victorious. At which time, one of four things will happen: someone will come to your house and give you a new version of what you already had, the kids will give it to each other again, you’ll get it, or you’ll send them back to school/daycare and they’ll get something else entirely and it’ll be likely worse. And cue loop to Symptom #1.
#6. The Dread.
Somewhere in this vicious cycle, one or both parents get frustrated. And then they get The Dread. What if we’re sick forever? Is there any way to get over this? I’ve tried everything! And, if the parents haven’t gotten it yet, it’ll turn it into a Double Dread situation. One Dread for the kids being stuck in the loop forever and the other Dread for being ever closer to being stuck in the cycle yourself.
#7. The Technology Defeat.
Usually when you’re bogged down with any of the above maladies, you will run into a point where everyone gets bored. Mom or Dad wants some space, kids are sick of fighting over cars… you know the drill. This is the point where I turn the TV on. It’s kind of a defeat. I hate turning the TV on for them, there’s so many other things they can do. But at some stage of the game, I can’t take it anymore, so I admit Technology Defeat. At this stage we will run into a momentary pause. The kids will snuggle me for a while, I can tune out for a second.. But then…
#8. The Letdown
Nearing the end of Almost-Sick-Itis, this is a secretly annoying symptom, much like the hacking dry cough that lasts for weeks. The Letdown isn’t overt, however, it makes itself known when your kids start demanding TV before they say good morning. And when you say no, you get looped back to symptom #1. Again. Smaller versions can be felt when the TV gets turned off (probably because the parent can’t manage another round of the Magic School Bus song), and tantrums ensue.
#9. The End
This isn’t a symptom so much as a lack of symptom. Hurrah! Oops. Spoke too soon, it’s still flu season. Please see yourself back to the beginning, where you’ll find the first symptom: The Whining.
Thankfully, we appear to be nearing The End. We’re definitely in the “Why can’t we watch TV and Oh hey Mom how was your sleep?”, and we might even be back to the “Hooray! It’s Cheerios today!” point… but… Oops, Spoke too soon… Now I’ve got the sniffles.
The *sniff* Handler.
PS: At least I know how to use a Kleenex.
PSS: Seriously, we’ve been not quite sick for three weeks. I only JUST stopped hearing complaints about the difference between Multigrain and Honey Nut…