Party In My Tummy!

Quite frankly… I don’t know where to begin. It may be because I’m tired. It may be because I’ve eaten 5 different feast-like meals in five consecutive days. Hard to say, really. Well, I guess that’s as good a place as any to begin.


Pre-Feast: December 21

I woke up at 4:00am with what can only be described as my first adult stomach flu EVER. That’s right. EVER. The last time I had an actual stomach flu was when I was 8. If I wasn’t hung over the toilet hoping to heaven that I wasn’t going to lose my stomach, I was passed out. I think I was awake for maybe 4 hours total in a full 24 hour period. It is important that you keep this lack of feasting in mind for the following.

Feast #1: December 22 – Birthday Festivities

Thankfully I was feeling well enough to work, but I kept lunch light, because my stomach was a little iffy still. After work, I threw caution to the wind, and devoured a 10oz baseball steak plus fixings in a matter of 20 minutes. Not to mention creme brulee for dessert, and a glass of wine to help with digestion. This seems kind of odd, but you’ll have to understand that I hadn’t had a decent meal in almost 48 hours, and well, I was hungry. (Also, Star Wars was epic! I did not, however, partake in movie popcorn. I thought that might be pushing it.)

Feast #2: December 23 – Earlymas

Our family has an odd tradition involving my sister and brother-in-law. It’s called ____mas. Sometimes it’s Janumas, sometimes it’s Earlymas. This year was Earlymas. My dad started our feast off with a venison roast stuffed with cream cheese, and my sister contributed a spinach salad with goat cheese and some other scrumptiously unidentifiable ingredients. I tried to stuff it in so my baseball steak wouldn’t be lonely. We also had wine to help with digestion, again.

Feast #3: December 24 – In-Law Din-Din

Christmas Eve was met with a full turkey feast provided by my sister-in-law, and I had extra wine to make sure the protein wasn’t morphing into one giant glob-monster somewhere in my small digestive tract. It was difficult to actually eat all my dinner, as I’m pretty sure my stomach was still chatting up the baseball steak, and since the roast had also done so, they were starting to suggest a full-on party. The turkey clearly didn’t want to be a wuss, so it joined in as well. Finished off the evening with a slice of black forest cake, just to really get the funk on.

Feast #4: December 25 – And They’ll Feast…

And they’ll feast, and they’ll feast feast feast feast! (Dr. Seuss’s Grinch really is appropriate in this instance). Unfortunately, with the three previous spreads, I forgot to purchase anything for this dinner other than the actual turkey. So I had to substitute, but we still managed stuffing and mashed potatoes, along with some raw veggies and dip. All of thatt hung out with the other three feasts, and I think they were partying enough to register noise complaints. (That reads: I have no idea how I ate all this food.)

Feast #5: December 26 – Dinner with Dad 2 (Almost Turkey)

Dad 2 refers to my father-in-law. I should point out that after the roast of Feast #2, I have been skipping breakfast, and substituting it with brunch in the hopes that skipping a meal will remind the remnants of the party to clean up after themselves and get the hell out of my stomach. This feast was no exception. Originally it was supposed to be turkey lasagna to use up leftovers, but by the time supper came, the last thing we wanted to see was meat. So we ordered pizza. I ate one piece. That was it. Couldn’t fit any more in. I washed my non-food down with Carolan’s and coffee. Lots of it. The pizza was that party crasher that tries to sneak in when the club’s at full capacity. It made the dance floor a little crowded. (Someone get the garbage bag, she’s gonna blow!)


And that brings us up to today. I feel like Eric Carle’s Hungry Caterpillar in that I’m seriously wishing for one nice green leaf so I can feel much better.I’m hoping the feasts left the place tidy when they were done with it. I went for a long walk today, so here’s hoping that I’ll have some room in my stomach tomorrow. Otherwise, I’m considering not eating til supper. Quite frankly, I’m not sure I’d even notice.

Now I’m going to roll myself to bed.

The Handler.

PS: Hope your Christmas/Holiday was also feast filled!


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