Good evening, and welcome to the 9:00ish Evening Gnews! I’m your host, the Handler.
Our top story: It’s a Gnome-Eat-Gnome world, what you can do to keep your sanity! And later on, how do they do it? How Gnomes exist without actually consuming nutritional substances! You don’t want to miss it, and it’s all coming up right here! Join us after a word from…
Gnomes here! Instead of a boring infomercial on the latest useless kitchen device, we thought we’d inform you that we are now on Instagram! That’s right folks, save yourself the 4 easy payments of $19.99 (plus shipping and handling), and add gnomehandler to your Instagram feed today, free! Guaranteed to serve up mostly generous portions of Gnomosity! What is Gnomosity? We don’t know! And, if you add gnomehandler in the next 5 minutes, we’ll double your Gnomosity! And it’s still free! (Individual data rates may apply, see your contract for details.)
And we’re back! Have you noticed? Those Gnomes are really cutthroat! From blaming the other Gnome (usually the younger one) to stealing toys (usually the older one), right down to insisting that the youngest Gnome’s room is the ONLY room worth playing in… they’ve got their toadstools in almost every mushroom pie! Except actual mushroom pie, because surprisingly, they’re not fond of edible fungi. If you’re looking for a good way to keep your sanity, Mrs. Han Daler (PDG)*suggests a nice soothing cup of tea. “Gnomes are pretty particular about keeping elbow room to a minimum, so make sure that while you’re making it, you take as much time as possible to THINK about drinking it. It’s almost as good as actually consuming it! Don’t worry, if you make it right, it’ll be easy to warm up when you finally get some space during nap time.” Her other word of caution is to avoid actually mentioning tea, as it has an attractant effect on Gnomes. “If tea isn’t working, assign some simple tasks that your Gnomes can do. Putting toys away, dusting, even clearing the table can keep those Gnomes out of trouble!” Just watch that your teacup isn’t anywhere near their reach, otherwise you can add mopping to that list. “The best advice though, I think, is to assume that the Gnomes are unstoppable, save for bedtime. Redirect, redirect, redirect. Drink your tea. And when you can’t take it anymore (although you didn’t hear it from me), Ms. Frizzle has a mesmerizing effect for at least 22 minutes.”
When we return, the unbelievable diet of a Gnome!
*Pseudo Doctorate of Gnomosity
Gnomes here again! Kitchen infomercials are boring. So are car commercials. We say Gno to leasing with 0% financing because no one ever qualifies for 0% financing if they actually need it! Instead, enjoy this multi-use offer of feet! Feet are free! Feet are fun! Better yet, feet are certified eco-friendly! They’re even mostly fair-trade (provided you’re willing to trade, of course). With almost no carbon emissions, and no carbon tax, they’re un-feet-able! (See what we did there??) There’s not even shipping! (We hate shipping, unless it’s seeds, because we like seeds.) (Results may vary, not machine washable. We recommend shoes or boots for maximum longevity unless you’re on a hardwood floor, in which case, socks are by far the funnest.)
Welcome back. Have you ever noticed that Gnomes hate eating? Oh, they’re always hungry, they just don’t actually eat. Our lead scientists sat down with Biggest and Littlest Gnome, to see what they thought. Here’s what Biggest had to say.
B: I like food! But from my point of view, anything new can’t taste good. I mean, really, yellow rice? Come on Momma Gnome, you know I like orange as a color better! And just to prove a point, since I can ACTUALLY exist off a single grain of rice, I will only eat three. Really, I know that it doesn’t taste any different, but if Gnomes have one trait, it would be standing up for what we really believe in. And since white rice is exactly that, white, it just wouldn’t be fair to the rice to allow this new invention. Unless, by some miracle, you can color it orange instead.*
It seems that Gnomes can actually exist on very little, but none more so than Littlest. Here’s what he had to say.
L: Food? Well, I guess it’s fun. I mean, it’s really got some amazing colors and textures going on. But Momma Gnome always puts so much stuff together that it kind of just seems shiny. Like, there’s so many things in it that I just get side tracked and start playing music with my spoon. Oh, and since I don’t need to eat anything to grow right now, as we’re in the Fourth Gnomephasic Growth Period, it seems like a better idea to really explore what carrot means to me. Oh, you don’t know what Gnomephasic Growth Periods are? Who are you people? Do you live in like, the dark ages or something?*
Our scientists have since put together a model of what they consider to be Gnomephasic Growth Periods (GGP’s), but until we know more, these are a guess at best. Gnome growth remains completely mysterious, and current research puts an oppositional effect on gnutrients vs. growth rate.
First GGP: Birth to 6 months – Milk like substances only. No idea how they grow so fast with nothing but a liquid.
Second GGP: 6 months – 1 year – Mashed foods seem to be acceptable, although not a main source of gnutrition. Growth rate is a complete mystery. Especially since most mashed foods do not end up in Gnome mouths.
Third GGP: 1 year – 2/3 years – Unbelievably, significant portions of solid foods actually make it to digestion, yet growth slows down.
Fourth GGP: 2/3 years – 4/5 years – This seems like a de-evolution to the Second GGP, except using a larger variety of solid foods. Unclear where growth is coming from, although growth is not as significant as in the Second GGP.
Fifth GGP: 4/5 years – ???? – Large amounts of certain gnon-gnutritious foods are eaten easily, yet growth continues. Oddly enough, gnutritious foods that foster growth are generally declined.
No further research is available at this time.
We leave you tonight, folks, with a reminder to drink your tea and look the other way when your carefully cooked Gnutrients hit the floor.
Until next time!