Lost: Brain Matter (Maybe?)



Despite definitive concerns regarding the possibility of death, dismemberment, liquidation, and possible lobotomizing, I am still here. Not dead. Limbs intact. Solid. And I’m pretty sure my brain’s still in there. I’m actually uncertain of that last part though, as I had the genius idea today to use Listerine instead of saltwater to make my mouth feel cleaner. A word of advice, it’s probably not worth the 5 minutes of clean. After those 5 minutes, it’s highly likely that the remaining stitches may feel like they’re on fire, and swelling may reoccur. Not that any of those happened to me of course…

Other indications that could suggest missing brain bits include:

Packing my 1″ thick electric toothbrush for my trip to visit my sister. Swollen cheeks don’t let anything thicker than a slim jim through.

Reading the Motrin label wrong three separate times, suffering through, and finally realizing that the bottle does not say 1 pill every 12 hours, but every 4 hours.

Planning to make applesauce three days after surgery.


Planting a menthol lozenge in my cheek for my first day back to work. Dealing with back to back customers while a cough drop the size of a nickel is burning a hole in your cheek can be difficult.

Attempting to chew the same lozenge once it finally unstuck.

Assuming that T3s would not cause any digestive impairment because the only ingested substances were liquid.



Clearly I may be missing brain tissue. None of those make any sense. Granted, it could also have been the T3s. It’s hard to say.

And with that, I’m going to bed. I’ve resisted, but I foolishly stayed up late the last two nights, and in equally astonishing ridiculousness found myself 100% shocked at how exhausted and sore I was today.

Good night!

The Handler.

PS: Does anyone happen to know if there is an age limit for the tooth fairy? You know, like “you have to be this tall to ride” but “you have to be this old or younger to receive payment for teeth” instead? The uh… boys were asking. Theoretically.

That is all.





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